Unconditional Love Vs Conditional Love

By Jackie Pilossoph, Founder, Divorced Girl Smiling, the place to find trusted, vetted divorce professionals, a podcast, website and mobile app.

Let’s talk about unconditional love vs conditional love. In my opinion, one of the most beautiful sounds in the world is that of a child singing. So, when I happened to walk by my 12-year-old daughter’s room recently and heard her sweet voice singing the new R. City and Adam Levine hit song, “Locked Away (Would You Still Love Me The Same)” I stood outside the door and listened.

“If I got locked away, and we lost it all today, tell me honestly, would you still love me the same?” she sang. “If I showed you my flaws, if I couldn’t be strong, tell me honestly, would you still love me the same?”

With instant tears in my eyes, I wanted to burst into her room, grab her and say, “Yes!”

 

 

 

The unconditional love that all parents have for their children never wavers, as far as I can tell. We love and fully stand by our kids when they are sick, hurting emotionally and even when they make mistakes and exhibit behaviors that disappoint, anger and hurt us.

But what about unconditional love vs conditional love in romantic relationships?

Unlike our love for children, parents or siblings, I think finding and maintaining love without limitations or conditions with a spouse is so much more difficult.

When two people meet and fall in love, everything seems perfect. The one you just fell hard for can’t do anything wrong. But time passes, and if the relationship blossoms into long-term love, we begin to see flaws and bad habits – things that might drive us crazy or that are unattractive to us. That doesn’t mean the relationship won’t work out or that the couple can’t be happy. It’s just the reality of infatuation and newness wearing off, and the revelation of the person’s genuine self.

 

 

If two people stay together long enough, “stuff” starts happening, and that’s when the couple finds out if they have unconditional love.

Sickness, injury, accidents, unemployment, significant monetary gains or losses and aging are just a few of the countless outside factors that can affect who we become, and ultimately if our spouse will choose to stick by us or not.

Think about how easy it is to love someone when he/she is mentally and physically healthy, when you’re living comfortably with no financial stress, and when everything with the kids is great.

Unconditional love comes into play when things fall apart.

In theory, no one who is divorced experienced unconditional love in his or her marriage, because one or both people decided to split up. I’m not judging anyone for being divorced. Trust me. I, myself am divorced. But in unconditional love, words like “we grew apart” or “we fell out of love” simply don’t exist.

Is it easy to love someone unconditionally? Hell no. But it has to feel amazing, right? The double-edge sword is that often times, something bad has to happen for a couple to realize their love is unconditional. Could the realization that you are loved without limits be the silver lining to a tragedy?

 

 

 

Here are some examples of unconditional love:

1. You married him when he had a lot of money and now his financial situation has changed. You stay. You get a job to help support the two of you.
2. Your spouse becomes ill. You are there, caring for him or her 24/7. By the way, this is one of the hardest things to do, so I’m not judging if there are other factors at play, like the sick person is abusive or starts cheating. I’m just saying, with unconditional love, the two of you stay together.
3. One partner becomes really successful and wealthy and life changes dramatically. Even if there’s a little jealousy and insecurity, unconditional love means working it out.
4. One of the partners gets a job offer out of the country. You move with her even though it means leaving your life, friends and family. If you don’t move, that doesn’t make you a bad person, but your love is technically conditional. Also, the person who wants to move might not take the job because he/she doesn’t want to lose the other person. That’s unconditional love, too.
5. A cheating spouse who wants to work on the marriage. If you stay, that is unconditional love. That said, it’s not easy to stay with someone who has cheated and there’s no judgement for leaving if that is what seems right to you.
6. Your spouse is abusive or is an addict. This is where I have to say, unconditional love does not come into play here. If you feel that you and/or your children are in danger, you need to leave. Period. That doesn’t mean you have conditional love. It means you have self-love and you need to get out of the toxic situation.

 

 

 

People often wonder throughout their marriages and relationships if their love is truly unconditional. The fact is, we really don’t know until a “condition” or situation arises that puts it to the test. Until then, yes, your love is unconditional. We’d all like to think our relationship is unconditional, and that’s a healthy way to think because no one knows what the future holds.

I will say this. When something does happen (which it did to me-I had cancer a few years ago), and you see that your love is unconditional, it means the world, and it makes the problem seem so much more manageable and even small because let’s face it-there’s nothing larger than true love.