When You Don’t Think Your Co-parent is a Good Person

By Christina McGhee

Do you think your co-parent is a good person? If your answer is a resounding “No.” You’re not the first to feel that way. Not even close.

If I had a dime for every time this came up, I could take a cruise somewhere tropical, lie on the beach, and sip umbrella drinks for days on end.

I talk with parents all the time about honoring the good for kids. In a nutshell, that means supporting your children’s positive image of their other parent.

Almost on cue, someone always says,  “Yeah, Christina, but what if I don’t think the other parent is a good person?”

Fair question and one that deserves an answer.

You might be 100% on point about your co-parent’s character.

They may have been a lousy spouse, dishonest, short-tempered, selfish, or maybe they just couldn’t follow through with anything to save their life.

You probably have plenty of evidence to back your opinion up. They might have hurt you in ways that still sting every time their name shows up on your phone.

It makes sense why you’re not feeling an abundance of warm fuzzies for them. And I would never suggest pretending otherwise.

Still, there’s a truth that’s easy to overlook in the middle of all that frustration.

That very same person is the one your children get half their DNA from.

And 50% of your child is a reflection of that person you can’t stand.

The longer you hold onto that anger, the more it costs you. Every minute you spend replaying what they did or didn’t do is energy you’re not spending on your own well-being or your kids’.

That dislike also has a way of seeping out in your tone, your facial expressions, and the way you talk about your co-parent in front of your children.

And when it does, your kids pick up on it. They may start to wonder if you dislike that part of them, too.

It’s a quiet kind of hurt.

However, once you recognize it, you can start to change it.

So what can you do when intense dislike toward your co-parent rears its ugly head? Start here.

SEPARATE THE PARTNER FROM THE PARENT
Just because your co-parent wasn’t a good partner doesn’t mean they can’t be a positive influence in your child’s life. Remember, the quality of your marriage doesn’t decide the quality of a parent-child relationship.

They are two separate things.

SHIFT YOUR MINDSET
They say resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Harboring intense dislike and staying fixated on your co-parent’s faults might run a close second.

Instead of squandering your precious energy on what kind of person they are, do your best to shift your mindset to benign judgment.

You do you. How they show up is on them.

USE GENEROUS INTERPRETATION WHEN YOU CAN
If something your co-parent does grates on your very last nerve, ask yourself if this was anyone else, what would your reaction be? How much headspace would you give it?

Better yet, ask yourself what circumstance might cause a reasonable person to behave that way. And if you want to dig deeper, consider what might cause you to behave the same way.

In short, focus on the circumstances of the behavior, not the character flaws of your co-parent.

HONOR THE GOOD
If you can’t find anything good about your co-parent, do your best to see what your kids see. Ask them what they love about each of you. Write it down and keep it. When you’re struggling to hold space for “the good” pull it out and read it.

Sometimes stepping into your kids’ shoes gives you the re-frame you need in a difficult moment.

LASTLY, REMEMBER THE LONG GAME
Divorce doesn’t disappear from your children’s story. It’s a thread that runs through their lives forever. How you move forward significantly influences their image of themselves and their family.

To be clear, I’m not saying you have to like your co-parent. Just make sure your love for your kids is stronger than the dislike you hold for them.

Because every time you choose commitment over contempt, you’re showing your children just how much they matter.

If this landed for you, I hope you’ll forward it to someone walking a similar path. Sometimes, just knowing we’re not alone makes all the difference.