Divorce after age 50

 

Here are some other tips on how to starting over after divorce at 50 or any age and gaining independence:

 

1. You cannot even begin to enjoy spending time alone unless you like yourself.

 

Think of it this way. You wouldn’t want to be around friends you don’t like, so why would you want to spend time with yourself if you don’t like yourself? If you aren’t happy with yourself, now’s the time to take some action. Make changes to your life that will make your proud of and happy with who you are.

 

 

2. Find your passion.

 

Mine was writing. When I was first separated 15 years ago, I spent hours and hours on my computer, writing and journaling. I found that expressing my thoughts soothed my pain. Eventually, my writing turned into novels, a job with the Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press, the weekly column, Love Essentially, and Divorced Girl Smiling! When you are doing what you love, being alone is irrelevant.

What if you don’t have a strong passion for anything? Then try different things. I think it takes time to figure out what you like. So, start surrounding yourself with people and watch and learn about things they are doing right now. For example, Pickle Ball is huge right now. I have dozens of friends who play. Try things and eventually you will find hobbies, activities, volunteer work or even a new job that truly makes you happy.

 

3. Remember that being alone is a choice.

 

If you want a social life or want to find love, pick up the phone and make plans. Call old friends, develop friendships with people in your community, at work, or at your gym. You will be surprised at how receptive people are when you reach out. Why? Because they want to be social also. My point is, you have to put in a little effort. What you put out into the universe will come back to you.

 

4. Carry yourself with confidence, pride and grace.

 

Don’t be embarrassed if you are out alone and you run into friends. You should be proud of your independence.

 

5. Avoid Facebook when you’re feeling lonely.

 

All you will see are happy faces of people together. But, if you do go on the social media site, be happy for those people and remember that there are times when they are alone, too, and that no one’s life is perfect.

 

6. Being independent doesn’t mean being alone.

They are two totally different things. You can be married and surrounded by people all the time and feel lonely. You can also live alone and be alone most of the time and never feel lonely. Loneliness is a state of mind. If you ever feel lonely, think about the people who love and care for you: your family, your friends, your community, and of course, God.

 

Through 15 years of being a single mom, independence has become one of my favorite words.  I went from dreading spending time alone to appreciating and even loving it. From going to movies by myself on Saturday nights, to taking hot baths, cleaning out closets and making homemade soups on major holidays, independence comes naturally and happily to me.

 

The journey wasn’t easy. It was scary and sad, at times, and it didn’t happen overnight. I think most people fear being independent and being alone for a few reasons. First, the transition can feel strange and isolating, especially after divorce or death of a spouse. Also, some newly divorced people will fantasize that their ex is not alone, that he or she is happy and having a great time, blissfully in love with someone else, and not regretting the split. Stop doing that! It’s unproductive, unhealthy, and not true. Everyone grieves in different ways. So, if you’ve only been separated a few weeks and your soon to be ex already has a girlfriend, don’t think it’s because he is over the divorce. This is the way he is choosing to cope.

 

In closing, fear of being independent after divorce can be overcome with a little faith in yourself, faith in the universe, faith in God, and a lot of self-confidence, self-love and belief in yourself.  I can tell you from personal experience that there is no better feeling than knowing you achieved something you didn’t think you could achieve, or that you had a really nice day completely on your own—INDEPENDENTLY.